Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Alright peeps. It's official, I've moved back to squarespace.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Blanket Statement

I have received a few comments and a few private emails with questions and concerns about the program that I was in at Mercy. While I appreciate that so many people are interested in my opinions, thoughts and recommendations I am going to politely decline to answer any specifics about the program. I haven't been told not to disclose or anything like that, but the opinion I hold now and will forever hold that it was a positive and helpful experience. If you are interested in the program I encourage you to check out the website and go through the same process I went through when I knew it was the right decision for me. Each girl that goes through the program has a unique experience and it's definitely not going to be the same for you as it was for me. Because I support the organization and the people that donate, work for and volunteer at Mercy I do not and will not disclose specifics about the program other than what I write here for everyone to see. I have the utmost respect for everyone involved and at some level that respect dictates a level of privacy that I will forever protect. So again, thank you for your confidence in me and I hope you'll understand and respect this.

Love to all!

P.S. The squarespace site is slowly being built back. We'll move there soon!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Quick note

Hi there! I have a couple blog posts in the works, still here and still focused. I have limited internet availability though. Thank goodness for Panera. I have my phone which I can do some things from, but uploading blog posts requires my laptop. Just wanted you to know. I'm working on the squarespace site again...maybe I'll just move over there soon. But anyway. HI!

Friday, November 19, 2010

It keeps going...and going

My brother is napping so I have some time to play around. I probably should be job searching but I don't really have a lot of intellectual energy for that. I know there is a lot of interest and inquiry about why I left Mercy and what 'happened' and all that. A couple weeks ago I may have had a different answer but today I stand firmly and say that it is not where I was supposed to be right now. I needed the time there to build a sturdy foundation in Christ and I left with exactly that. Was I kicked out? Nope. Did I run away from the program? Nope. It had just reached a point where we all kinda knew that I needed to go elsewhere. None of us knew what that was, where I was supposed to be and it was scary for all of us but ya know what? God had a plan bigger than any of us could understand or forecast and here we are, and it's ok.

My first month at Mercy was very 'normal'. I adjusted to the program and it was going ok. At some point though I began to really struggle with a lot of memories from the past and I began to talk through them. If there is anything you can say about Mercy is that the people there are freaking awesome and they will go to the ends of the earth with you spiritually and emotionally to support you in any way they can. I have never felt so loved and supported on earth and I have to say that the healing that came with the relationship with the staff is what enabled me to trust that God is the ultimate Father and that a relationship with Jesus was not frightening and He would not abandon me.

Unfortunately, I was not really able to stay present and grounded enough for any length of time and it was too much for everyone (including me) to handle day in and day out. Honestly though, this is kinda nuts. A lot of the memories that came to me as I was processing some of this stuff began with me talking about a particular Halloween in which I wore a Hermit Crab costume that I had made myself. I found that costume today, one week after returning to my brothers apartment and him almost dying. That memory began my rapid decline at Mercy, which led to the phonecall where my brother sounded sick and like something was wrong and put something in my heart that I needed to come here, even after making the decision to go to TN. It all came full circle today and I am again blown away by the ridiculous amount of healing that came to me. If I had seen that costume a few weeks ago I would have wanted to die. Today, I saw it and chuckled at my creativity instead of the memory I had attached to it. God continues to amaze me.

It would be a lie to say that it's all wonderful and that I am cured and I have no hurt feelings as a result of lost relationships from the program. I can't go a day without wishing people there were in my life more and I wonder each day how they are. I pray for them and my heart aches because they aren't getting to see the good stuff happening. They only saw the pain and crazy stuff that happened the last two weeks I was there. Part of me still wishes I could go back and do it differently and then part of me knows it had to happen this way. I guess more on that later. Anyway, nap time is over. Later!

Thursday, November 18, 2010


A lot can change in a week. You can be staying at a friends house, terrified and rapidly swinging around with emotions and then the next week you are sitting with your brother in the ICU completely at peace with the world and thankful for each breath he takes. God is so freaking amazing. Really. If you had asked me two weeks ago if I would be near my home state caring for my brother I would have laughed and said that would never happen and I was in no condition for such things. Thinking about where I was at mentally two weeks ago and where I am right now? So different. Two weeks ago I was still at the program house, crying my eyes out about leaving and being terrified about survival. Today, I am on my laptop sitting next to my brother at the hospital completely at peace with the decisions I have made and other have made for me.

My brother has five pulmonary embolisms and two clots in his leg. Every doctor is shocked he is still alive and even more shocked at how rare his condition is. Not only is it amazing, but it's a genetic problem that I more than likely have and his suffering is preventing me from going through the same experience. God's planning and preparing for all of this is blowing my mind and something I cannot articulate very well. But I did want to share that I am still around, still moving forward and very appreciative of all the responses I have gotten in comments and emails. Love to all!!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Another Day, Another Dolla.

Not really, but I remember my fourth grade tutor said that a lot. Just another random day of kind of waiting around until the next thing. I am heading out of the town I am in now and going to stay with someone else while I figure out some things. It's kind of strange. By Saturday I will have flown to 8 different cities. If you know me, you also know that traveling isn't something I really enjoy doing. This isn't really traveling though.

Today it's been one week since I left the program and I think the reality of the situation is beginning to hit. The significance of these past couple of months is starting to make some sort of sense but at the same time there isn't any sense in it at all. While the shock is slowly wearing off the intensity of what I am facing is rearing its anxious head and I struggle with balancing the desire to freak out or simply trust that something will work out. I am completely out of my own control and my future is in God's hands, who better than to have control really? But honestly, it's terrifying and I am at times paralyzed by it. God has never harmed me and He never will, but how do I trust that with my whole being? How do I stop trying to play patty-cake with God's hands, slyly trying to take back the reigns of my life?

How do I begin to let myself have some real feelings about things that have happened lately? How do I start from scratch while licking my wounds? Well, it seems that I have no other choice than to face it all head on going as slowly or as quickly as it is meant to. I'm hurting, I'm hopeful, I'm shocked, I'm indifferent, I'm lonely, I'm isolating, I'm trusting, I'm skeptical. All at the same time and I circle back to numb.

I'm going to be going back to an area close to home this weekend, I'll be there for who knows how long as it's pretty much the only viable solution for the near future. I feel like I am letting myself down and others but that this has worked out this way because it's supposed to. I am afraid of what is to come but regardless I know that God is with now and tomorrow and forever as long as I let him.

God is on my side, God is with me now, who can be against me?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Where in the world is....

This will probably surprise you but I am back. When I say "back" I mean that I am no longer in the program that I was in but I haven't really figured out where I am going to be "back" to. I have been out for almost a week but I am struggling with what to say about my time there or how to proceed with my blog here. Part of me (not literally) wants very much to delete Crackers & Juiceboxes and start all over but then I think about all of you that have deeply impacted my life and the community that has been created here and over at Squarespace and I just can't bring myself to do it.

So, Hi! I am most struggling with how to talk about my time in the program because while it ended in a way that has left me grieving and pretty emotionally sore I know that most of my readers know where I was and I do not in any way, shape or form want to jade any ones perception of what they offer or the people that are on staff there. I feel extreme gratitude and love for each one of them and I don't want anyone to think otherwise. I know just how powerful words can be and even though it didn't work out for me I don't want any other girl that could potentially stumble across my blog to think that it's something that it is not...or in some cases think it's different.

I learned a lot in the short time I was there, mostly about myself in relation to God. I learned that I have a lot more issues than I thought but that most of them are workable if I am willing to put the effort into it. I learned that I can be loved and I learned how boundaries are really flippin' important in a way that I hadn't realized before. I learned how to let go of some things and allow others to take control when appropriate and more importantly that I need to give God the control. I learned that I have no clue who I am but that I can learn and I began some of that process. I learned that I can be completely caught up in my issues but that I can have down time and fun times too. I learned that people can like me and love me without me trying to get them to do that, I am lovable. I learned that the stories that weave together my testimony aren't just random moments with no meaning and that I need to protect them and only share when my heart is ok with sharing, that not everyone is allowed to have that knowledge. With that I learned that people are just people. Some people make huge impacts in your life, some you love some you trust and some do things you'll never forget, but at the end of the day they really are just people and the only WHOLE relationship you can have is with God. People cannot love you totally and completely, they can't always have their own stuff together to help you with your own, they can't always keep the promises they intend to keep but it doesn't mean their intention wasn't 110% true. Even when people love and support you it doesn't mean it's gonna be the solution or enough or what someone needs. God is bigger though...bigger than any of us can articulate.

Does this mean I am going to turn into someone that is going to preach to anyone who will listen? Nope, not my calling. Does this mean I am going to try to get a ton of people that read this blog right with Jesus? Nope, definitely not my calling. Does it mean I will talk about what God is doing in my life? Yep, maybe not in the most P.C. way but it's going to happen. Some changes will be happening here but honestly, it was always a part of me...I just didn't realize it yet. God has been doing some pretty insane stuff in my life lately and I want to share it with you. I want to share that even when you get almost everything you need and want and then it's not there anymore that everything is not lost. It can hurt like nothing else has before, but it's not over and it's not done. It SUCKS. It more than sucks. But there can be peace and hope and even some trust that God will provide and He will give you what you need to keep truckin'. I realize that this may turn some people off but in my opinion it is totally worth the risk.

Love to you all...glad to be back.