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Sunday, May 10, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Freudian Meerkats?
Meet my little meerkat friend. He has been through a lot. Well, the three I originally owned have been through a lot. My best friend owns one, I own one and Therapist owns one. Awhile back Therapist lent this little guy back to me when I was struggling. Today, after the last session I had with Therapist until she gets back at the end of May, I left the little guy on the roof of her car.
This is the response I receive (which I hope she doesn't mind me posting..it's just too good to keep to myself...as much as I wanna throttle her...this is an example of why I love her):
Tempy,
My first response to the meerkat I saw on my car was to smile and think that the meerkat was your way of connecting....
then I went into Freudian analysis....
The meerkat was lying down: does that mean you are giving up? (the meerkat looked dead - poor guy was on his side).
Then I was thinking perhaps you were giving the meerkat back to me to make a
statement that you are done with tx.
I won't share my sixteen alternative interpretations with you, rather, I will just let you tell me what you wanted to communicate with the tiny meerkat :). Perhaps he makes a big statement? Do tell.
-Therapist
Good stuff right? (not to mention being incredibly sensitive for me. Very gentle) This is what I settled on writing back:
This was a highly amusing and possibly epic e-mail. Not only were you very funny, but after I was about a mile away from your office I knew this was gonna happen, slapped myself and totally told someone this is exactly what would happen. (uncomfortable laughter goes right about....here.) Since you disclosed your thought process, I guess this falls under "I'll show you Mine."
Before I left for therapy I thought about how we would stay connected while you were gone. I was wondering if I should ask for a song or something, but then I realized that it would be too much to ask for. So I looked at the therapy shelf I have in my room and decided that instead of asking you for something, I would give you something (or give you something back). It seemed all uber healthy and shit, looks good right? While driving to you I realized I didn't know how I would present it without being super-cheesy and then realized that it didn't match how I felt. I abandoned the idea of any meerkat giving before I walked in.
During the session I was obviously anxious/agitated and then it was all "hell no, this is not going to be any more uncomfortable by me talking about connection" and then it shifted to my deep depression. While in that I desperately wanted to reach out to you but then you asked (not sure if you meant it or not, but I think if you truly believed it then A. I wouldn't still be free or B. You'd given up) if this was the last time you would see me and I had to seriously ponder that. I began to wonder, what IF it was actually the last time we saw each other? I felt sad because on some level, who knows? You could not come back, I could not come back..all kinds of things can happen. When I shut your door I considered turning around and tossing you the meerkat and hauling ass, but I assumed that would scare the shit out of you...so I reconsidered and last second I decided to deposit said meerkat on your car. Hey, it was near by.
The meerkat is not the most stable of animals to stand up...and that would require lingering near your car for an amount of time I was uncomfortable with...like a boundary violation or something, not to mention the weird people working on the stair area were hanging out there. So poor meerkat was tossed on top and I scooted to my car and took off. As I approached 75 I considered your reaction and realized you'd probably wonder if this was some suicidal gesture of giving away meaningful shit. I was talking to someone on the phone and said that if you didn't call you weren't freaked out and I would be safe, and then I thought well....I bet she'll think about it a bit and then it will set in so I expect an e-mail. How right I was.
I won't lie and tell you that it was simple and just my way of saying "Please don't forget me" and I think we are beyond that. The meerkat just says "I'm not sure dude, and it makes me sad that I am not sure." And that's that.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Shame and Fantasy
All this thinking about attachment has me hypervigilant about my feelings around relationships or non-relationships in which I feel I need someone or want someone, whether that want/need be based in reality or not, and after all that thinking I am left feeling really sad. I feel very freakish when I think about how strange I am when it comes to wanting someone or something that cannot possibly happen, it's so unrealistic, etc. I think when I desire attachment to a person that is unrealistic the sadness or wanting feelings that I have are somewhat more manageable than feeling the grief over not having healthy attachments in my present life, or just spending more time focusing on the impossible versus coping with how crazy I feel.
Let's examine a little bit further. When I was in the 7-8-9 age range I had a lot of medical stuff going on, I wasn't in school and I was left alone for 10-11 hours a day (aside from the time I spent in foster care). I didn't have any contact with peers and I certainly was not getting any attention at home. Meanwhile I was on terribly high doses of prednisone as well as fast acting inhalers, all of those medications cause me to be paranoid and anxious. I began developing imaginary relationships with people I had more contact with than my parents like my doctors or someone I would watch on TV. I was so alone and out of my mind craving attachment that I would come up with stories in my head about how tv people would take care of me and how I would be so much happier if they were a parent. I would listen to every word they would say and I would relish personal disclosures and feel like I was honored to know something about them. I was never delusional about our actual level of interaction, I would just spend a lot of time in my head wishing they were my parent or wishing that they were my friend. I definitely attached more to women with strong personalities that were funny and loud because that is what I wanted at home.
When I was 10 years old, The X-Files came out which was quite a double edged sword for me. I was terrified of the stories but I was amazed by the Scully character. She was so strong and kick ass and more than anything I wanted her to bust down my door and rescue me from my family life. Scully was more consistent than anything in my life, she was always on television when they said she would be, her character was very rigid (and in fact that is part of the character development) and she was a rescuer. What more would a kid like me want? 9:00PM on Friday nights was the best part of my week. There were many attachments similar to this one but this is the first I remember actually hurting because the reality was that Scully was not real and Gillian Anderson the actress was a big flake. But I really enjoyed the fantasy that Scully would one day save me. I preferred this internal drama versus the real life drama where I would ask for something I needed and be denied or hurt. It was a safety thing for me.
This would all seem pointless to look at if I had grown out of that phase or stopped playing it out in my present day life but at some point I must have internalized that pattern so deeply that even now I cannot get out of it. I ignore the real-ness of most of my relationships whether they be healthy or not because nothing is predictable in reality. I have some very solid healthy and wonderful connections in my life, but those can end it hurt or disappointment or what if they leave me because I am too needy or crazy? Fake people and wishing for fake people to be in life is a lot safer and extremely distracting.
Back in 2001 or 2002, I cannot remember, Law and Order: SVU came out. I immediately glommed on to the idea of the lead character Olivia Benson existing outside of a TV show. She was compassionate, a rescuer and yet a very strong female. I remember wishing I knew someone just like her that I could tell my story to, that would pick me out of my life and punish the guilty parties. I desperately wanted her to exist and it I was terribly hurt knowing that someone like her was probably not out there. When the actress Mariska Hargitay (the woman behind Olivia Benson) began to do a lot of work in helping survivors, especially founding The Joyful Heart Foundation I was so excited to know that she was like the character and I created a fantasy in which she would rescue me too. Obviously this fantasy was never really dealt with and it was a private thing for so long. I feel a lot of shame about how crazy all of this can seem, especially out of context but now I think that I am getting it that it is not something to be so ashamed of, that maybe it's just really sad that I was so deprived as a kid that imaginary relationships and attachments are more safe than actual attachments.
Where does this leave me now? I think I often brush off very important feelings of connectedness and attachment to healthy people in my life because my fantasy world of attachment seems so much more connected and safe. In my head, my current attachments can never seem as real or as meaningful because the expectations and ideas I have around attachment all revolve around the child-like idea of being rescued. I become very defensive and hurt when I feel disappointed because I want people to be Scully or Benson busting down my door and saving me from someone else or even myself, and when someone doesn't do that I just assume it is because they don't care enough. I never consider that maybe I should be my own Scully and care for myself...I still yearn for someone to prove to me that I am worth it. I guess I just don't believe that I am and want external validation from a second party that I am worth saving.
Anyway, I know I am weird..but this shame needed a voice today.
Let's examine a little bit further. When I was in the 7-8-9 age range I had a lot of medical stuff going on, I wasn't in school and I was left alone for 10-11 hours a day (aside from the time I spent in foster care). I didn't have any contact with peers and I certainly was not getting any attention at home. Meanwhile I was on terribly high doses of prednisone as well as fast acting inhalers, all of those medications cause me to be paranoid and anxious. I began developing imaginary relationships with people I had more contact with than my parents like my doctors or someone I would watch on TV. I was so alone and out of my mind craving attachment that I would come up with stories in my head about how tv people would take care of me and how I would be so much happier if they were a parent. I would listen to every word they would say and I would relish personal disclosures and feel like I was honored to know something about them. I was never delusional about our actual level of interaction, I would just spend a lot of time in my head wishing they were my parent or wishing that they were my friend. I definitely attached more to women with strong personalities that were funny and loud because that is what I wanted at home.
When I was 10 years old, The X-Files came out which was quite a double edged sword for me. I was terrified of the stories but I was amazed by the Scully character. She was so strong and kick ass and more than anything I wanted her to bust down my door and rescue me from my family life. Scully was more consistent than anything in my life, she was always on television when they said she would be, her character was very rigid (and in fact that is part of the character development) and she was a rescuer. What more would a kid like me want? 9:00PM on Friday nights was the best part of my week. There were many attachments similar to this one but this is the first I remember actually hurting because the reality was that Scully was not real and Gillian Anderson the actress was a big flake. But I really enjoyed the fantasy that Scully would one day save me. I preferred this internal drama versus the real life drama where I would ask for something I needed and be denied or hurt. It was a safety thing for me.
This would all seem pointless to look at if I had grown out of that phase or stopped playing it out in my present day life but at some point I must have internalized that pattern so deeply that even now I cannot get out of it. I ignore the real-ness of most of my relationships whether they be healthy or not because nothing is predictable in reality. I have some very solid healthy and wonderful connections in my life, but those can end it hurt or disappointment or what if they leave me because I am too needy or crazy? Fake people and wishing for fake people to be in life is a lot safer and extremely distracting.
Back in 2001 or 2002, I cannot remember, Law and Order: SVU came out. I immediately glommed on to the idea of the lead character Olivia Benson existing outside of a TV show. She was compassionate, a rescuer and yet a very strong female. I remember wishing I knew someone just like her that I could tell my story to, that would pick me out of my life and punish the guilty parties. I desperately wanted her to exist and it I was terribly hurt knowing that someone like her was probably not out there. When the actress Mariska Hargitay (the woman behind Olivia Benson) began to do a lot of work in helping survivors, especially founding The Joyful Heart Foundation I was so excited to know that she was like the character and I created a fantasy in which she would rescue me too. Obviously this fantasy was never really dealt with and it was a private thing for so long. I feel a lot of shame about how crazy all of this can seem, especially out of context but now I think that I am getting it that it is not something to be so ashamed of, that maybe it's just really sad that I was so deprived as a kid that imaginary relationships and attachments are more safe than actual attachments.
Where does this leave me now? I think I often brush off very important feelings of connectedness and attachment to healthy people in my life because my fantasy world of attachment seems so much more connected and safe. In my head, my current attachments can never seem as real or as meaningful because the expectations and ideas I have around attachment all revolve around the child-like idea of being rescued. I become very defensive and hurt when I feel disappointed because I want people to be Scully or Benson busting down my door and saving me from someone else or even myself, and when someone doesn't do that I just assume it is because they don't care enough. I never consider that maybe I should be my own Scully and care for myself...I still yearn for someone to prove to me that I am worth it. I guess I just don't believe that I am and want external validation from a second party that I am worth saving.
Anyway, I know I am weird..but this shame needed a voice today.
A question, for you the reader...
Seems as if the circus I will be joining will be full of friends and awesome people! I'll let you guys know when and where. :-)
I have been considering moving my blog to a custom domain, a place where I can have more control over the content as well as organize things better within a site, and not so much digging like we have here at blogger. The site would feature separate web pages/sections that my blog would have it's own home, a place for artwork and user submitted artwork, a page for just the therapy techniques I spoke of in the beginning that are littered throughout as well as a resource list. What do you guys think of that? Would you follow me there?
I have been considering moving my blog to a custom domain, a place where I can have more control over the content as well as organize things better within a site, and not so much digging like we have here at blogger. The site would feature separate web pages/sections that my blog would have it's own home, a place for artwork and user submitted artwork, a page for just the therapy techniques I spoke of in the beginning that are littered throughout as well as a resource list. What do you guys think of that? Would you follow me there?
Friday, May 1, 2009
for real.
Complete. Spaz.
After my session yesterday I would really like to say "I give up" and really, truly mean it. The past several weeks I have felt disconnected but this past week has been even worse. Therapist could live on a completely different planet and I wouldn't notice a difference. My current residence is in my head and I'm spending way too much time in there and not enough time in the real world. I'm not sure why but Therapist seemed to be just as disconnected with me as I was with her, maybe angry or resentful about something with me or it could have been completely unrelated, I don't know. During the session I felt the disconnect but I thought it was only because I felt it, now reflecting I can see she was too.
All of this led to her pushing me too far and I cracked. I had warned her early in the session that I felt like I was going to spaz out, which I could not define 'spaz' or what it would look like, but I felt on edge. This led to some serious 'zoning out' in which none of my grounding skills seemed to be working. She asked if another part was near by and they were so the switching began. I felt like I was at the end of a dark and very long tunnel and while these parts were switching in and out I was screaming for Therapist to please stop. Nothing worked and whoever was out did the spazzing for me. I could faintly hear Therapist telling adult parts to push forward because it was going downhill, I could hear her say she didn't want to go hands on with me and I was yelling back that I was RIGHT here. It didn't work, that part stayed forward bashing hands into head until she had to go hands on with me. (hands on is where she forcibly removes me from the scary I am in and stops me from hurting myself) Apparently the part that was out was willing to fight her for a bit but she ended up getting me back to the present.
I left her office immediately after this and didn't e-mail her about it until late last night. She replied back and it seemed a bit cold and distracted so I am going to take a wild guess that this little 'crazy' has pushed her away more and whatever she was upset about has only intensified. Not that I am too into caring about how she feels right now but I'd like to know what her next move is before it happens.
(I wrote all that this morning before she called me)
Therapist called at 9 this morning to check in and make sure I was still alive. She was very intellectual about it all which is a cue for me to realize she is more concerned and afraid than she is connected. She made some suggestions about how to work on this over the weekend and I basically said I didn't feel qualified to 'therapize' my self states around this issue and I wasn't going to, which she basically decided she needs consultation. It really sucks when you have a lot of trust in someone to know what they are doing, and spend a lot of time relinquishing control to them and then they admit they don't know what the hell they are doing either. Times like this I feel even more alone and more weird because I can't just have simple issues or at least common issues that she has experience with. Why do I always have to be the first one she has seen with a certain problem? For once I'd like to be odd because I am exceptionally good at something instead of exceptionally fucked up.
Instead of her getting all in "FIX IT" mode, I wish we had the relationship where I could just come in, plop down next to her and just sit there and be safe...not all this picking and poking and fixing. But I suppose I don't help when all I can mutter is "make it stop" to her. Maybe part of making it stop is allowing her to be close to me and comfort me without freaking out. The woman definitely cares about me, she cares so much she tries all kinds of things to relieve me of my distress..but does it get in the way? I wonder...maybe not. And her tolerating my pain is something she has done for a long time, very long time. I respect that immensely. I dunno. I am exhausted and I don't know how much more I can take.
All of this led to her pushing me too far and I cracked. I had warned her early in the session that I felt like I was going to spaz out, which I could not define 'spaz' or what it would look like, but I felt on edge. This led to some serious 'zoning out' in which none of my grounding skills seemed to be working. She asked if another part was near by and they were so the switching began. I felt like I was at the end of a dark and very long tunnel and while these parts were switching in and out I was screaming for Therapist to please stop. Nothing worked and whoever was out did the spazzing for me. I could faintly hear Therapist telling adult parts to push forward because it was going downhill, I could hear her say she didn't want to go hands on with me and I was yelling back that I was RIGHT here. It didn't work, that part stayed forward bashing hands into head until she had to go hands on with me. (hands on is where she forcibly removes me from the scary I am in and stops me from hurting myself) Apparently the part that was out was willing to fight her for a bit but she ended up getting me back to the present.
I left her office immediately after this and didn't e-mail her about it until late last night. She replied back and it seemed a bit cold and distracted so I am going to take a wild guess that this little 'crazy' has pushed her away more and whatever she was upset about has only intensified. Not that I am too into caring about how she feels right now but I'd like to know what her next move is before it happens.
(I wrote all that this morning before she called me)
Therapist called at 9 this morning to check in and make sure I was still alive. She was very intellectual about it all which is a cue for me to realize she is more concerned and afraid than she is connected. She made some suggestions about how to work on this over the weekend and I basically said I didn't feel qualified to 'therapize' my self states around this issue and I wasn't going to, which she basically decided she needs consultation. It really sucks when you have a lot of trust in someone to know what they are doing, and spend a lot of time relinquishing control to them and then they admit they don't know what the hell they are doing either. Times like this I feel even more alone and more weird because I can't just have simple issues or at least common issues that she has experience with. Why do I always have to be the first one she has seen with a certain problem? For once I'd like to be odd because I am exceptionally good at something instead of exceptionally fucked up.
Instead of her getting all in "FIX IT" mode, I wish we had the relationship where I could just come in, plop down next to her and just sit there and be safe...not all this picking and poking and fixing. But I suppose I don't help when all I can mutter is "make it stop" to her. Maybe part of making it stop is allowing her to be close to me and comfort me without freaking out. The woman definitely cares about me, she cares so much she tries all kinds of things to relieve me of my distress..but does it get in the way? I wonder...maybe not. And her tolerating my pain is something she has done for a long time, very long time. I respect that immensely. I dunno. I am exhausted and I don't know how much more I can take.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Shout Out...
I receive a lot of links to my blog on other websites, a lot of mentions and I feel like all the people I read deserve much, much more than just a mention in my blogroll. Here are some of the great blogs I follow:
A Put Together Mess - Bravehearts is a young professional recovering from her past with some great insights, check her out..not to mention a personal friend of mine that I simply could not do without.
Clinically Clueless - Clueless is anything but, she has such an amazing willingness to do the work it takes to recover from her past that I am constantly amazed.
The People Behind My Eyes - Artist & Survivor, a truly inspiring blog full of honesty and overcoming obstacles.
Sparks in the Night - Eeabee shares life experiences while working through the difficult and the triumphs and does so with eloquent writing and humor.
The Thriver's Toolbox - April writes about her struggles in life in such a way that you can find yourself relating with such ease, only it doesn't stop at relation...her themes are thought provoking and forward movement inspiring.
JewBu Quest - Karma is one of the most honest bloggers I have read and her honesty is incredibly natural. The quote she has on her profile is striking and seems to fit perfectly with her style "What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open."
Just Be Real - I have struggled and continue to struggle with my faith through this process, but her faith makes it easy to understand what I am searching for in my faith, very insightful and inspiring.
Secret Shadows - Information, Inspiration and Connectedness. It's the blog you need to feel less alone in the DID world...
Thoughts and Musings of a Girl Interrupted - She says what I sometimes cannot figure out how to say and I don't think she realizes how awesome she is...check her out.
Mind of Menace - Oh how I missed her posts. Her writing style is one in which you can relate without even realizing how deep into it you are going...very strong, very poetic and simply amazing! So glad she came back to write.
Migraine Chow - If you aren't reading her, you should be. Immi has a sense of humor unlike any other and shares her struggles with a candidness you could only feel with a close friend. I am honored to read her...
Desire to Heal - Simply put, the desire to heal and amazingly well written.
And that is just to get you started....
A Put Together Mess - Bravehearts is a young professional recovering from her past with some great insights, check her out..not to mention a personal friend of mine that I simply could not do without.
Clinically Clueless - Clueless is anything but, she has such an amazing willingness to do the work it takes to recover from her past that I am constantly amazed.
The People Behind My Eyes - Artist & Survivor, a truly inspiring blog full of honesty and overcoming obstacles.
Sparks in the Night - Eeabee shares life experiences while working through the difficult and the triumphs and does so with eloquent writing and humor.
The Thriver's Toolbox - April writes about her struggles in life in such a way that you can find yourself relating with such ease, only it doesn't stop at relation...her themes are thought provoking and forward movement inspiring.
JewBu Quest - Karma is one of the most honest bloggers I have read and her honesty is incredibly natural. The quote she has on her profile is striking and seems to fit perfectly with her style "What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open."
Just Be Real - I have struggled and continue to struggle with my faith through this process, but her faith makes it easy to understand what I am searching for in my faith, very insightful and inspiring.
Secret Shadows - Information, Inspiration and Connectedness. It's the blog you need to feel less alone in the DID world...
Thoughts and Musings of a Girl Interrupted - She says what I sometimes cannot figure out how to say and I don't think she realizes how awesome she is...check her out.
Mind of Menace - Oh how I missed her posts. Her writing style is one in which you can relate without even realizing how deep into it you are going...very strong, very poetic and simply amazing! So glad she came back to write.
Migraine Chow - If you aren't reading her, you should be. Immi has a sense of humor unlike any other and shares her struggles with a candidness you could only feel with a close friend. I am honored to read her...
Desire to Heal - Simply put, the desire to heal and amazingly well written.
And that is just to get you started....
Attachment
In an attempt to stay connected with Therapist while she has been away and back and away again (with yet another LONG vacation in about 2 weeks) I began to read some of the e-mails we have sent back and forth over the past 3-4 years from a suggestion she made to do so. I continue to be amazed at the level of compassion she has and wonder why my experience of her can be so dramatically different when I begin to feel disconnected from her.
I have decided to try and approach a topic that Therapist has brought up on several occasions but I have such increased stress and anxiety over the topic I avoid it as if it would kill me to consider. The topic is attachment. Surprisingly enough, I studied quite a bit of psychology in college and strangely when the Mary Ainsworth attachment theory topic came up I entered my first psychiatric hospital. Hmmm. Surely there is no connection there. I don't remember much of my class during that time but I do know that the week of my admission a paper was due on my understanding of anxious-ambivalent attachment styles. I had blocked all my studies of that topic and just recently decided to revisit. I have always been told by providers that I have an amazing ability to connect with people even after all I have been through and now I am considering that not because I am just awesome (smirk) but more a symptom of my inability to connect normally.
Disorganized Attachment
A frightened caregiver is alarming to the child, who uses social referencing techniques such as checking the adult's facial expression to ascertain whether a situation is safe. A frightening caregiver is usually so via aggressive behaviors towards the child (either mild or direct physical/sexual behaviors) and puts the child in a dilemma which Main and colleagues have called 'fear without solution.' In other words, the caregiver is both the source of the child's alarm as well as the child's haven of safety. Through parental behaviors that are frightening, the caregiver puts the child in an irresolvable paradox of approach-avoidance. This paradox, in fact, may be one explanation for some of the 'stilling' and 'freezing' behaviors observed in children judged to be disorganized.
Human interactions are experienced as erratic, thus children cannot form a coherent, organized interactive template. If the child uses the caregiver as a mirror to understand the self, the disorganized child is looking into a mirror broken into a thousand pieces. It is more severe than learned helplessness as it is the model of the self rather than of a situation. It is important to note that when a child is judged disorganized, he or she is given a secondary best-fitting 'organized' (i.e., secure, ambivalent, avoidant) classification as well. This reflects the fact that attachment disorganization is thought to be a breakdown of an inchoate organized attachment strategy. The degree to which the organized strategy is fragmented however is often different in degree across infants judged to receive a primary 'disorganized' classification.
That is me to a tee. Not only is my attachment completely disorganized but it is also anxious-ambivalent. I struggle with maintaining connections and attachments when people come and go and I definitely struggle to confirm for myself that it is safe when the person I am trying to attach to/with is not directly in front of me to confirm this. I need constant reinforcement that I am ok and that the other party is ok to continue feeling secure. This dynamic is playing itself out currently because Therapist was away for about 10 days a little over a week ago and then went for a 5 day vacation and then has a vacation over two weeks long scheduled in May. She is so in and out that I spend a lot of time being confused and in order to process my confusion I need to section her existence off into one category, either she is ok or she is someone I do not trust. It's a heck of a lot easier to talk myself into believing she is not the person I have known for seven years because it makes me angry and resentful instead of coping with the feelings that I need her and she is unavailable. See the childhood struggle?
As a little girl I was frequently abandoned physically by my mother and everyday emotionally abandoned by her. She was only connected when she felt she wanted to or needed to be. During the disconnect I struggled to create a story in my head about my existence to explain the distance. When my mother was my mother I was ok and I was safe, when she was unavailable I had to get mad at her which was totally unsafe thus I turned it inward to make it about me, as if it were my fault and I became resentful. This made me act out against my mother, my inward rage was directed at her through my physical behaviors until it became too unsafe to do it. I vacillated between extreme hatred of self and hatred of her. I needed her and when she was safe to be around I clung to her for dear life only confusing myself immensely into rage. I never understood why I needed her so much and once I got what I wanted I hated her for it...which evolved into hating myself for it.
If I were a clinician this would be interesting, instead I find myself in widespread panic as this plays out with Therapist. I cannot seem to tolerate the dramatic shifting between feelings with self-talk and reassurance. It is so obvious this past couple of days where I am anxiously awaiting her return, becoming almost excited to count down when I will see her next and then experiencing the THUD in my stomach as the time approaches. I tend to experience this ambivalence so physically that my whole body seems out of control. I want to rip my hair out or comfort myself in my favorite blanket, I have impulses to throw myself into a wall but yet I just want a hug. This has turned into an expression through my eating disorder. I take diet pills and diuretics and then comfort with a meal that I had previously deemed as dangerous, I purge, I stuff and back and forth. I feel confident when I restrict and comforted which turns into fear eventually and eat, then hate myself for doing it.
Of any feeling, ambivalence is the worst for me. I like to organize and have my feelings to be expected and make sense, when I am confused I panic and just want the hell out of it. Because of my disorganization and confusion over Therapist I feel trapped. She is such an important person in my life which I cannot really avoid, so I HAVE to stick through this. I don't see it letting up any time soon so I feel like I am trapped. This leads to extreme thinking which shifts dramatically between depression so severe I don't feel as if I can move, to extreme carelessness where I am so happy go lucky and disconnected that I get myself into trouble. The back and forth feels traumatic and here I sit. Confused beyond belief and just want to die for relief.
I find comfort in stepping outside my life and intellectually picking it apart to find patterns and reasons for why I do what I do, however knowing why this pattern exists brings me more pain in understanding my mother. Analyzing this dynamic only makes me more upset and hurt over how my mother interacted with me and to avoid it I want to go away. Unfortunately therapy is working and I cannot just dissociate the feelings, I have them slightly which is too much even just this tiny bit. It seems my internal system has expired in some way and parts of me are not connected to the present, they are dusty and not as active as I'd like. I cannot just shift into someone else to live my day to day life and I have to strike a balance, this is not something I am good at. I am learning but it's excruciating and I am begging to make it stop.
How do I return to Therapist tomorrow to connect with her when this causes me confusion and panic yet I know I NEED to and I desperately want the safety of her presence. Kind of like the whole idea of cleaning a wound, you know it hurts, you know you have to do it, but it's going to suck so bad and make you doubt why you did it and you'll be pissed because the pain is worse when cleaning it than before when it was dirty, but you rationalize and say the infection that may result will be worse than both...only this isn't a few quick minutes...this is weeks, months and possibly years of cleaning. Damn, this sucks.
I have decided to try and approach a topic that Therapist has brought up on several occasions but I have such increased stress and anxiety over the topic I avoid it as if it would kill me to consider. The topic is attachment. Surprisingly enough, I studied quite a bit of psychology in college and strangely when the Mary Ainsworth attachment theory topic came up I entered my first psychiatric hospital. Hmmm. Surely there is no connection there. I don't remember much of my class during that time but I do know that the week of my admission a paper was due on my understanding of anxious-ambivalent attachment styles. I had blocked all my studies of that topic and just recently decided to revisit. I have always been told by providers that I have an amazing ability to connect with people even after all I have been through and now I am considering that not because I am just awesome (smirk) but more a symptom of my inability to connect normally.
Disorganized Attachment
A frightened caregiver is alarming to the child, who uses social referencing techniques such as checking the adult's facial expression to ascertain whether a situation is safe. A frightening caregiver is usually so via aggressive behaviors towards the child (either mild or direct physical/sexual behaviors) and puts the child in a dilemma which Main and colleagues have called 'fear without solution.' In other words, the caregiver is both the source of the child's alarm as well as the child's haven of safety. Through parental behaviors that are frightening, the caregiver puts the child in an irresolvable paradox of approach-avoidance. This paradox, in fact, may be one explanation for some of the 'stilling' and 'freezing' behaviors observed in children judged to be disorganized.
Human interactions are experienced as erratic, thus children cannot form a coherent, organized interactive template. If the child uses the caregiver as a mirror to understand the self, the disorganized child is looking into a mirror broken into a thousand pieces. It is more severe than learned helplessness as it is the model of the self rather than of a situation. It is important to note that when a child is judged disorganized, he or she is given a secondary best-fitting 'organized' (i.e., secure, ambivalent, avoidant) classification as well. This reflects the fact that attachment disorganization is thought to be a breakdown of an inchoate organized attachment strategy. The degree to which the organized strategy is fragmented however is often different in degree across infants judged to receive a primary 'disorganized' classification.
That is me to a tee. Not only is my attachment completely disorganized but it is also anxious-ambivalent. I struggle with maintaining connections and attachments when people come and go and I definitely struggle to confirm for myself that it is safe when the person I am trying to attach to/with is not directly in front of me to confirm this. I need constant reinforcement that I am ok and that the other party is ok to continue feeling secure. This dynamic is playing itself out currently because Therapist was away for about 10 days a little over a week ago and then went for a 5 day vacation and then has a vacation over two weeks long scheduled in May. She is so in and out that I spend a lot of time being confused and in order to process my confusion I need to section her existence off into one category, either she is ok or she is someone I do not trust. It's a heck of a lot easier to talk myself into believing she is not the person I have known for seven years because it makes me angry and resentful instead of coping with the feelings that I need her and she is unavailable. See the childhood struggle?
As a little girl I was frequently abandoned physically by my mother and everyday emotionally abandoned by her. She was only connected when she felt she wanted to or needed to be. During the disconnect I struggled to create a story in my head about my existence to explain the distance. When my mother was my mother I was ok and I was safe, when she was unavailable I had to get mad at her which was totally unsafe thus I turned it inward to make it about me, as if it were my fault and I became resentful. This made me act out against my mother, my inward rage was directed at her through my physical behaviors until it became too unsafe to do it. I vacillated between extreme hatred of self and hatred of her. I needed her and when she was safe to be around I clung to her for dear life only confusing myself immensely into rage. I never understood why I needed her so much and once I got what I wanted I hated her for it...which evolved into hating myself for it.
If I were a clinician this would be interesting, instead I find myself in widespread panic as this plays out with Therapist. I cannot seem to tolerate the dramatic shifting between feelings with self-talk and reassurance. It is so obvious this past couple of days where I am anxiously awaiting her return, becoming almost excited to count down when I will see her next and then experiencing the THUD in my stomach as the time approaches. I tend to experience this ambivalence so physically that my whole body seems out of control. I want to rip my hair out or comfort myself in my favorite blanket, I have impulses to throw myself into a wall but yet I just want a hug. This has turned into an expression through my eating disorder. I take diet pills and diuretics and then comfort with a meal that I had previously deemed as dangerous, I purge, I stuff and back and forth. I feel confident when I restrict and comforted which turns into fear eventually and eat, then hate myself for doing it.
Of any feeling, ambivalence is the worst for me. I like to organize and have my feelings to be expected and make sense, when I am confused I panic and just want the hell out of it. Because of my disorganization and confusion over Therapist I feel trapped. She is such an important person in my life which I cannot really avoid, so I HAVE to stick through this. I don't see it letting up any time soon so I feel like I am trapped. This leads to extreme thinking which shifts dramatically between depression so severe I don't feel as if I can move, to extreme carelessness where I am so happy go lucky and disconnected that I get myself into trouble. The back and forth feels traumatic and here I sit. Confused beyond belief and just want to die for relief.
I find comfort in stepping outside my life and intellectually picking it apart to find patterns and reasons for why I do what I do, however knowing why this pattern exists brings me more pain in understanding my mother. Analyzing this dynamic only makes me more upset and hurt over how my mother interacted with me and to avoid it I want to go away. Unfortunately therapy is working and I cannot just dissociate the feelings, I have them slightly which is too much even just this tiny bit. It seems my internal system has expired in some way and parts of me are not connected to the present, they are dusty and not as active as I'd like. I cannot just shift into someone else to live my day to day life and I have to strike a balance, this is not something I am good at. I am learning but it's excruciating and I am begging to make it stop.
How do I return to Therapist tomorrow to connect with her when this causes me confusion and panic yet I know I NEED to and I desperately want the safety of her presence. Kind of like the whole idea of cleaning a wound, you know it hurts, you know you have to do it, but it's going to suck so bad and make you doubt why you did it and you'll be pissed because the pain is worse when cleaning it than before when it was dirty, but you rationalize and say the infection that may result will be worse than both...only this isn't a few quick minutes...this is weeks, months and possibly years of cleaning. Damn, this sucks.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
hi.
So I joined facebook...if you'd like to be friends.
Not a lot to report as of late really, Therapist has been so in and out that I am just sitting around in survival mode. My suicidality has increased tremendously and I spend most of my time just trying to wrangle that. I wish I had more to say it's just taking a lot of energy being here. I miss my blog though.
Not a lot to report as of late really, Therapist has been so in and out that I am just sitting around in survival mode. My suicidality has increased tremendously and I spend most of my time just trying to wrangle that. I wish I had more to say it's just taking a lot of energy being here. I miss my blog though.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
When your mind's made up
You see, you’re just like everyone
When the shit falls all you want to do is run, away
And hide all by yourself
When you’re far from me, there’s nothing else
When your mind’s made up
When your mind’s made up
There’s no point trying to change it
When the shit falls all you want to do is run, away
And hide all by yourself
When you’re far from me, there’s nothing else
When your mind’s made up
When your mind’s made up
There’s no point trying to change it
There are so many things in life that you cannot change that it can drive you up a wall, it does for me anyway. It's impossible to go back in time, change people's opinions, do something over, force people to listen or try, get people to do what you want, make a situation less hurtful when you are the one being hurt, etc. All you can do is try to change how you react and how you treat yourself in response to it. Easy right?
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