Thursday, November 11, 2010

Another Day, Another Dolla.

Not really, but I remember my fourth grade tutor said that a lot. Just another random day of kind of waiting around until the next thing. I am heading out of the town I am in now and going to stay with someone else while I figure out some things. It's kind of strange. By Saturday I will have flown to 8 different cities. If you know me, you also know that traveling isn't something I really enjoy doing. This isn't really traveling though.

Today it's been one week since I left the program and I think the reality of the situation is beginning to hit. The significance of these past couple of months is starting to make some sort of sense but at the same time there isn't any sense in it at all. While the shock is slowly wearing off the intensity of what I am facing is rearing its anxious head and I struggle with balancing the desire to freak out or simply trust that something will work out. I am completely out of my own control and my future is in God's hands, who better than to have control really? But honestly, it's terrifying and I am at times paralyzed by it. God has never harmed me and He never will, but how do I trust that with my whole being? How do I stop trying to play patty-cake with God's hands, slyly trying to take back the reigns of my life?

How do I begin to let myself have some real feelings about things that have happened lately? How do I start from scratch while licking my wounds? Well, it seems that I have no other choice than to face it all head on going as slowly or as quickly as it is meant to. I'm hurting, I'm hopeful, I'm shocked, I'm indifferent, I'm lonely, I'm isolating, I'm trusting, I'm skeptical. All at the same time and I circle back to numb.

I'm going to be going back to an area close to home this weekend, I'll be there for who knows how long as it's pretty much the only viable solution for the near future. I feel like I am letting myself down and others but that this has worked out this way because it's supposed to. I am afraid of what is to come but regardless I know that God is with now and tomorrow and forever as long as I let him.

God is on my side, God is with me now, who can be against me?


beautifulstones said...

It sounds like a LOT of change to be handling at the moment. I am thinking of you.

Just to say when I read the thing about playing patty-cake with God - I actually think playing patty-cake with God is probably a GOOD thing. It involves a lot of trust. I know that I won't even dare to play that him at the moment. I keep my hands folded and won't let him anywhere near. Also an attempt to keep hold of the control. Hmmm wonder if there is a balance in here somewhere?

Paul said...

Safe travels Tempy!