Friday, November 19, 2010

It keeps going...and going

My brother is napping so I have some time to play around. I probably should be job searching but I don't really have a lot of intellectual energy for that. I know there is a lot of interest and inquiry about why I left Mercy and what 'happened' and all that. A couple weeks ago I may have had a different answer but today I stand firmly and say that it is not where I was supposed to be right now. I needed the time there to build a sturdy foundation in Christ and I left with exactly that. Was I kicked out? Nope. Did I run away from the program? Nope. It had just reached a point where we all kinda knew that I needed to go elsewhere. None of us knew what that was, where I was supposed to be and it was scary for all of us but ya know what? God had a plan bigger than any of us could understand or forecast and here we are, and it's ok.

My first month at Mercy was very 'normal'. I adjusted to the program and it was going ok. At some point though I began to really struggle with a lot of memories from the past and I began to talk through them. If there is anything you can say about Mercy is that the people there are freaking awesome and they will go to the ends of the earth with you spiritually and emotionally to support you in any way they can. I have never felt so loved and supported on earth and I have to say that the healing that came with the relationship with the staff is what enabled me to trust that God is the ultimate Father and that a relationship with Jesus was not frightening and He would not abandon me.

Unfortunately, I was not really able to stay present and grounded enough for any length of time and it was too much for everyone (including me) to handle day in and day out. Honestly though, this is kinda nuts. A lot of the memories that came to me as I was processing some of this stuff began with me talking about a particular Halloween in which I wore a Hermit Crab costume that I had made myself. I found that costume today, one week after returning to my brothers apartment and him almost dying. That memory began my rapid decline at Mercy, which led to the phonecall where my brother sounded sick and like something was wrong and put something in my heart that I needed to come here, even after making the decision to go to TN. It all came full circle today and I am again blown away by the ridiculous amount of healing that came to me. If I had seen that costume a few weeks ago I would have wanted to die. Today, I saw it and chuckled at my creativity instead of the memory I had attached to it. God continues to amaze me.

It would be a lie to say that it's all wonderful and that I am cured and I have no hurt feelings as a result of lost relationships from the program. I can't go a day without wishing people there were in my life more and I wonder each day how they are. I pray for them and my heart aches because they aren't getting to see the good stuff happening. They only saw the pain and crazy stuff that happened the last two weeks I was there. Part of me still wishes I could go back and do it differently and then part of me knows it had to happen this way. I guess more on that later. Anyway, nap time is over. Later!


Thomas said...

Sorry to hear mercy did not work out as you had hoped.On the other side good to see that you are writing once again.
We will pray for your brother's speedy recovery.
For you wishes of grace and peace.

Amanda said...

Praying for you. You health, wholeness, and happiness are in my thoughts & prayers frequently. May you always "get what you need."