This will probably surprise you but I am back. When I say "back" I mean that I am no longer in the program that I was in but I haven't really figured out where I am going to be "back" to. I have been out for almost a week but I am struggling with what to say about my time there or how to proceed with my blog here. Part of me (not literally) wants very much to delete Crackers & Juiceboxes and start all over but then I think about all of you that have deeply impacted my life and the community that has been created here and over at Squarespace and I just can't bring myself to do it.
So, Hi! I am most struggling with how to talk about my time in the program because while it ended in a way that has left me grieving and pretty emotionally sore I know that most of my readers know where I was and I do not in any way, shape or form want to jade any ones perception of what they offer or the people that are on staff there. I feel extreme gratitude and love for each one of them and I don't want anyone to think otherwise. I know just how powerful words can be and even though it didn't work out for me I don't want any other girl that could potentially stumble across my blog to think that it's something that it is not...or in some cases think it's different.
I learned a lot in the short time I was there, mostly about myself in relation to God. I learned that I have a lot more issues than I thought but that most of them are workable if I am willing to put the effort into it. I learned that I can be loved and I learned how boundaries are really flippin' important in a way that I hadn't realized before. I learned how to let go of some things and allow others to take control when appropriate and more importantly that I need to give God the control. I learned that I have no clue who I am but that I can learn and I began some of that process. I learned that I can be completely caught up in my issues but that I can have down time and fun times too. I learned that people can like me and love me without me trying to get them to do that, I am lovable. I learned that the stories that weave together my testimony aren't just random moments with no meaning and that I need to protect them and only share when my heart is ok with sharing, that not everyone is allowed to have that knowledge. With that I learned that people are just people. Some people make huge impacts in your life, some you love some you trust and some do things you'll never forget, but at the end of the day they really are just people and the only WHOLE relationship you can have is with God. People cannot love you totally and completely, they can't always have their own stuff together to help you with your own, they can't always keep the promises they intend to keep but it doesn't mean their intention wasn't 110% true. Even when people love and support you it doesn't mean it's gonna be the solution or enough or what someone needs. God is bigger though...bigger than any of us can articulate.
Does this mean I am going to turn into someone that is going to preach to anyone who will listen? Nope, not my calling. Does this mean I am going to try to get a ton of people that read this blog right with Jesus? Nope, definitely not my calling. Does it mean I will talk about what God is doing in my life? Yep, maybe not in the most P.C. way but it's going to happen. Some changes will be happening here but honestly, it was always a part of me...I just didn't realize it yet. God has been doing some pretty insane stuff in my life lately and I want to share it with you. I want to share that even when you get almost everything you need and want and then it's not there anymore that everything is not lost. It can hurt like nothing else has before, but it's not over and it's not done. It SUCKS. It more than sucks. But there can be peace and hope and even some trust that God will provide and He will give you what you need to keep truckin'. I realize that this may turn some people off but in my opinion it is totally worth the risk.
Love to you all...glad to be back.